ALL GOOD SONS 17-19

Well, this is it, the last three chapters of the story. I'm bothered by the endings of a few of my books, and this is one of them. I can't shake the feeling that I should've gone for a more of a balls-out, Sons of Anarchy vibe. 

Chapter 17

I got to the hospital ten minutes before visitors hours were over.

He wasn’t talking.

He wasn’t smiling.

He was laying right where I’d left him, letting machines eat, think, and breathe for him.

And now I was going to talk for him.

‘Hey, handsome.’

I stroked his hair, wiped my hand on my jacket.

‘I was watching your favorite movie the other day. Remember when I woke up on the couch at two in the morning and found you sitting in front of the TV, legs crossed, totally mesmerized? I was terrified. It’s pretty tame as scary movies go, but it was still way too much for a kid who still needed me to cut his steak for him. I grabbed the remote from you, and you said “Please, Mommy, I want to see the hero rescue the girls.” I sat you down and explained that it didn’t always work like that, that not everybody gets rescued. You looked up at me and said “They will when I grow up.” You have no idea how proud you made me that day, and every day since.’

I shut the door behind me.

‘I brought you something. The doctor said…’

I closed my eyes, took a breath.

‘The doctor suggested I bring something in with me; something to make it…’

I opened the large zip lock bag I was holding and emptied its contents out onto the bed.

‘Your lucky shirt. It’d probably swim on you now. Took me a while to find it; you had it stashed on the floor of your closet under your old comic books.’

I picked it up, held it to my nose, breathed in.

‘Doesn’t smell like you. I went into your room again once I found this, just so I could close the door, and the whole room smells different. Not just your room, but the whole house…even the new part. I’ve never believed in e.s.p or any of that crap, that’s not what this was. This was hindsight.’

I held the shirt out and stuck my finger through a small hole on the breast pocket. I pointed at him.

‘I made you a hero in my head, so that’s what you were. I can’t let you lie anymore.’

I draped the shirt over his upper body and left the room.

Chapter 18

I returned a half an hour later with the doctor and three nurses. I stood out in the hall and looked in the window as they shut off the alarms and removed the nasal gastric tube.

I went in when they invited me and stood at Grey’s bedside. I watched as they turned down the respirator, then removed the tube protruding from his trachea. This took a while, careful as they were to ensure that I didn’t see what came out with it. I waited. A nurse turned to me.

‘Would you like to get closer, Miss Perris? Perhaps hold his hand?’

‘No.’

I listened as the whir of machinery died down like the plumbing in an old house on a cold night. I watched Grey’s face for signs of recognition, (there were none).

‘Pardon me,’ said the doctor, ‘but some loved ones find comfort in giving comfort.’

I reached out and took Grey’s hand, but it wasn’t to offer him comfort. I wanted to feel him leaving. I needed to be sure he wasn’t coming back.

But he did come back.

First, as a beguiling baby.

Then, a cheeky boy, the peril of mean teachers.

Then, a messy-haired heart breaker.

Then a good son.

They were all good sons.

The hero was conspicuous in his absence, as though I needed further proof that he didn’t exist. I closed my eyes and addressed the other three.

‘Bye.’

I sat in the car park for a full hour afterward. The doctor offered counseling, as doctors do, but I didn’t want to sit on a couch in front of a bookcase and spill my woes to some woman who was smarter than me. I didn’t need to. I had one of those in the family.

Chapter 19

I was exhausted when I got off the plane at Heathrow - attending two funerals in a week will do that to a person - but I didn’t let it show. I forced myself to look bright for Lenore. It was the least I could do. I recognized Eric right away, the only physical sign that we hadn’t seen each other in years being a heavy five o’clock shadow and a touch of bookish paunch around the middle.

‘Look at you, all professorial and everything! All that’s missing is the jacket with the elbow patches!’

Eric smiled.

‘I’ve got three at home.’

My daughter was harder to spot. I scanned the crowd for the skinny, earnest, pointy-looking beauty I remembered, but to no avail.

‘Where’s Lenore? Didn’t she come with you?’

‘She’s right over there.’ Eric pointed to a glowing woman with swimmer’s muscles who was doing her best approximation of a run. This was difficult, what with the little people who were tagging along behind her. She threw her arms around me, then made the introductions.

‘This is Charlotte, and this is Emily.’

The girls looked up at me; sharp, cheeky little imps the pair of them. I knelt down.

‘I am gonna have so much fun spoiling you two.’

We headed for the parking lot, the girls running half a mile ahead, Eric yelling after them that it wasn’t a race, for Pete’s sake, and Lenore and I strolling along, happy not to talk until it felt natural. It was Lenore who broke the silence.

‘I used to hate you for not understanding me, then I realized Grandma never understood you, either. I guess we do have something in common.’

I took her hand.

We had connected.